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June 16th, 2003

church after 9 months... [Jun. 16th, 2003|12:40 am]
k i m b e r l y
[I feel... |confusedconfused]
[music... |what if i stumble, dc talk]

Well, i guess I attended at christmas, and I went to Prince of Peace for easter... but not really the same thing.. "xmas and easter" christiananity hardly counts for anything. Really, I've been disconnected since september. At first it was because I wanted to be around to bond with my housemates and roomies, and then it was because I was too busy with schoolwork (ie: pirate time), and then I made a serious attempt to go (ie: I set my alarm on sundays, but never actually got up), and then, I just gave up. and the place I am in my life right now, I would very much hesitate to call myself a christian... yes, I know all the right answers (slavation=grace, jesus=messiah, sin=mercy, sex=no) and I know all the catch phrases (living by the spirit, blood of the lamb, a cheerful heart, fellowship, etc) but just because 7 years of chrstian education has been encrusted onto my mind, doens't mean I am a practicing believer. I don't want to turn against god... but it's so much easier not to figure him into my life... I mean, it's not like i party hard or desire to lead an abnormally sinful life... but simply leaving god out of the picture simplifies life. of course, that's the way it should be, it is not called the Narrow Road for no reason. I mean, deep inside, i feel creationism is true... but only because scientific explainaitions don't cut it for me.. not because i feel god.
And i hate that.
I want what everyone at my church has. I want to be spiritually fired up. I really do. But what do they know that I don't? Service tonight talked about prayer, and praying for your fellow christian brothers... which is exactly the biggest reservation I am having with christianity right now. What good does it do? Rob said, powerful things happen when believers come together in god's name... but why should that be? If Rand prays about something, will god listen more to him because he is a priest, than if i prayed about it? how is that mercy? how many people have to send their prayers up to god before he does something? does that mean his divine will is subject to persuation?
So, throughout the service, these questions are running around in my head, and I'm feeling more and more atheist by the minute.
I don't like this feeling.
Part of me (the part trained by Dr. Lozono) says, this is what college is doing to you. the biggest percentage of believers lose their faith when the go away to college.
but then another part of me can't help but wonder... why is that true? is it because in college, knowledge overcomes the idealistic convention of god and religion? is it becuase god doesn't stand up under closer inspection?
I don't like to think so.
I am really lost right now. and being back at wv was weird. Everyone there is so on fire for god... and I am so not. I can fake it. but that doesn't really count, now does it.
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